This assessment is not intended to diagnose your husband, determine whether your marriage should end, or replace biblical wisdom and godly counsel. Its purpose is to help you honestly evaluate the overall health of your marriage by identifying patterns- not isolated incidents. Every marriage experiences conflict, but ongoing patterns of dishonesty, control, intimidation, neglect, or unrepentant sin should never be ignored. Use your results as a starting point for prayer, honest reflection, and seeking wisdom from God’s Word. A low score does not mean that your marriage needs no attention, and a high score does not dictate a particular course of action. It simply highlights the extent to which unhealthy patterns may be affecting your marriage and your well-being. 

Write down your score for each question. Score your answers as follows:

• Never = 0

• Rarely = 1

• Sometimes = 2

• Often = 3

• Almost Always = 4

Safety:

• Do you often fear your husband’s reactions?

• Do you avoid saying certain things because you’re afraid of his anger?

• Has he ever physically restrained, shoved, hit or threatened you?

• Has he ever driven recklessly to frighten you?

• Does he hit objects or throw objects when he’s angry?

Truthfulness:

• Does he regularly lie, even about small things?

• When confronted with evidence, does he deny obvious facts?

• Does he admit wrongdoing only after being caught?

• Do you often question your own memory after conversations?

• Do you feel like the only way your husband will admit to something is if you have concrete evidence?

Repentance:

• When he sins, does he take responsibility without blaming you or others?

• Does his behavior change for a time but always go back?

• Do his apologies repeat without lasting change?

• Does he ask forgiveness while continuing the same behavior?

Respect:

• Does he belittle your opinions?

• Does he mock or humiliate you privately or in public?

• Does he treat your concerns as unimportant?

• Does he often dismiss your feelings as being dramatic or ridiculous?

Spiritual Leadership:

• Does he encourage your relationship with Christ or hinder it?

• Does he use scripture to control rather than serve?

• Does he welcome accountability and being held to the Scriptures?

• Does he focus on your obedience to God while ignoring or excusing his disobedience?

• Does he pretend to be a godly husband in front of others but takes no steps to be this man at home?

Isolation:

• Does he discourage healthy relationships with your family or friends?

• Do you feel increasingly alone because of him?

• Are you afraid to tell others what happens at home?

• Do you feel like you have no one to talk to or can’t talk to anyone about your marriage?

Control:

• Does he monitor your spending?

• Does he make you feel like you’ve done something wrong when you make a purchase for yourself, even if it’s something needed?

• Does he punish you with silence?

• Do household decisions always revolve around his preferences? (you only eat at restaurants that he likes, he picks what movie you watch, what you listen to in the car, etc.)

• Do you feel like you have to hide things from him, even small things like having a normal conversation with someone or insignificant things like not telling him that you ate lunch with someone from work?

• Does he control how you dress, wanting you to wear things you aren’t comfortable with or punishes you with silence or a “bad mood” when you don’t comply?

Sexual Relationship:

• Do you feel safe declining sex without retaliation?

• Does your husband pressure, manipulate, guilt, or punish you over sex?

• Does he show tenderness and affection outside of the bedroom?

• Do you feel valued as a whole person and not just used for sex?

• Does he try to guilt or manipulate you into doing things sexually that he knows you aren’t comfortable with?

• Does he ignore boundaries that you’ve set?

• Do you find yourself being performative during sex because you know he will be upset if you don’t give the impression that you enjoyed it?

• Does he demand sex and try to guilt you for not meeting this need while ignoring your needs outside of the bedroom?

Emotional Health:

• Do you find yourself feeling more and more anxious?

• Do you frequently feel like you are walking on eggshells or need to “keep the peace”?

• Has your confidence significantly decreased?

• Do you feel farther away from God because of your husband’s influence?

• Does he often dismiss your feelings?

• Does he blame you for his reaction? (telling you that if you asked nicer, he wouldn’t get so upset or he only gets angry because of how you approach him)

• Do you often not bring up things in the marriage that are hurting you because you feel like nothing will ever change?

Financial:

• Does your husband consistently provide for your family’s basic needs if he is able to do so?

• Does he regularly spend money on himself while neglecting important household expenses or the needs of his family?

• Do financial crises often result from his poor decisions rather than unavoidable circumstances?

• Does he hide purchases, debts, loans, or financial accounts from you?

• Does your husband leave all stress and worry about finances on you?

• Do you feel like it’s impossible to be financially secure because of his poor stewardship of money?

• Do you often worry about affording basic necessities?

• Do you feel like you can’t purchase basic items for yourself like new clothes, skin care, or household items?

• Does your husband stay at a job that isn’t providing the basic needs of his family with no desire to find something better?

If your results are:

0-45 Your marriage appears generally healthy

Your answers suggest that while your marriage likely has areas that need growth-as every marriage does-it does not show a strong pattern of ongoing harm. Healthy marriages still experience disagreements, disappointments, and seasons of struggle, but both husband and wife remain committed to repentance, forgiveness, honesty and mutual care. No marriage is perfect. Continue investing in your relationship through prayer, communication, humility and obedience to God’s Word. Guard against allowing small issues to become larger ones, and seek wise biblical counsel when needed.

“Above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.” - Colossians 3:14

46-90 Your marriage needs intentional work

Your responses indicate recurring areas of concern that should not be ignored. While these patterns do not necessarily suggest an abusive or destructive marriage, they do reveal issues that can slowly erode trust, intimacy, and peace if left unaddressed. Healthy marriages are built through repentance, accountability, sacrificial love, and a willingness to change. Consider having honest conversations with your husband, praying together, and seeking biblical counsel form mature believers if both of you are willing to pursue growth.

“Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” - Philippians 2:4

91-150 Your marriage shows concerning patterns

Your answers suggest that your marriage is experiencing more than ordinary conflict. Multiple patterns are present that may be affecting your emotional, spiritual, relational, or financial well-being. Many Christian women are told that every difficult marriage simply requires more prayer, more submission, or more patience. While every marriage requires effort, repeated patterns of dishonesty, manipulation, intimidation, control, neglect, or refusal to repent should never be dismissed as “normal”. Take time to honestly evaluate the fruit that your marriage is producing. Consider speaking with a trusted, biblically grounded counselor or mature believer who will take your concerns seriously and help you think wisely through your situation.

“The wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason…” - James 3:17

151-228 Your marriage is causing ongoing harm

Your responses suggest a consistent pattern of behaviors that is harming your emotional, spiritual, physical, financial, or relational well-being. What you are experiencing goes beyond the ordinary challenges found in every marriage. If you have begun to believe that constant fear, confusion, control, intimidation, deception, or emotional exaustion are simply part of being a Christian wife, it may be time to reconsider that belief in light of Scripture. God never calls His children to deny reality. He calls us to walk in truth. Take your concerns seriously. Seek wise, biblically faithful counsel from people who understand both God’s design for marriage and the seriousness of the ongoing patterns of harm that you are experiencing. If you or your children are in immediate danger, prioritize your safety and contact the appropriate emergency services or trusted individuals.

“God has called us to live in peace.” - 1 Corinthians 7:15

If your results have revealed concerning or harmful patterns, know that you are not alone. Many Christian women have been taught that every marriage problem has the same solution, leaving them confused when years of prayer and effort on their part fails to bring change. Some of you don’t have a mature believer to guide you or are being given unhelpful or even harmful advice like “pray harder”.  Many of you feel alone in dealing with this and that’s why I wrote the book Building on Sand: How a Wise Woman Responds When the Foundation Is Crumbling. This book explores what Scripture says about unhealthy marriages, ongoing patterns of harm, biblical boundaries, separation, forgiveness, reconciliation, and finding peace in the midst of difficult circumstances. Rather than offering easy answers, it seeks to help women respond with wisdom, truth and faithfulness to God’s Word.