Do you have Marthacitis?
It’s really easy to let yourself become overwhelmed with your to do list. Societal pressure is heavy on women to be perfect housekeeps and managers of the home. Many women feel like the sole responsibility for the state of their home rests solely on their shoulders- even when they also work full-time jobs. If you find yourself with anxiety when someone comes over and are afraid for them to see things out of place, even small things like beds not being made then you’ve adopted the Martha mindset.
The following is an excerpt from my book With Her Own Hands: Building without Bearing what God never asked:
Now it happened as they went that He entered a certain village; and a certain woman named Martha welcomed Him into her house. And she had a sister called Mary, who also sat at Jesus’ feet and heard His word. But Martha was distracted with much serving, and she approached Him and said, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Therefore tell her to help me.” And Jesus answered and said to her, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.” Luke 10:38-42
If this happened today, there is a good chance Mary never would have sat at the feet of Jesus. She would have been in the kitchen with Martha stressing about the food and the house being clean enough. It seems the culture hasn’t changed from making women feel their houses have to be perfect for guests.
God didn’t intend for us to live this way. Many of us have filled out homes with more than we need, creating work and stress that God never wanted us to have. He would rather we have time all throughout the day to spend showing our children His love than to have their rooms filled the with latest toys and entertainment that make it more difficult for us to keep clean and organized.
Why do we spend so much time on things that don’t have eternal value? Because that’s what we’ve been told is important. Anyone with a smartphone can see how judgmental the world is, especially to women. Are we to worry about what others think, or what God thinks?
The majority of the stress that most women have is from their focus being on things that don’t have eternal value because they don’t want to be judged by others. If you are exausted trying to be a “keeper of the home” as the Bible tells you to, then get rid of the things that are preventing you from doing that.
Declutter, get rid of unnecessary items- throw away decorative things that are constantly needing to be washed or cleaned. You are a keeper of the home, not a paid servant. Make your children and husband clean up their own messes. It’s easy for us to feel the pressure to act like a live in maid but that’s not what God tells us to do. There’s a difference between cleaning up after a family member occasionally as a nice gesture like wanting to give your teen a clean room when they get home for the weekend or telling your husband to not worry about his mess when he’s running late to work. I’m not telling you to never do any acts of service for your family- I’m telling you to stop believing that your job is to walk behind the members of your family and clean up the constant mess they make.
Minimize your life to make cleaning an easier job. Get rid of items that collect excessive amounts of dust. Give the chore of wiping off the family dog’s feet everytime they go outside. Go through closets and cabinets and donate or throw away things you haven’t touched in months or years. If your kids can’t keep their rooms clean with the amount of clothing and toys that they have, then go through their things with them and get the items to a mangable amount. Teach kids who are a walking mess that there are consequences for this. They don’t get to do this when they do that (no computer time when their room looks like a tornado went through it- and not just clean it up then play- no computer today because you tore up your room in an hour then left it.) Obviously, you can’t expect a toddler to do this or get mad at a teen who’s having a crisis getting ready for a party and left a mess- there will be exceptions and you will need wisdom to not become mean or legalistic with this.
Your husband should not be leaving a trail of mess for you to clean up after him. He would not be ok with a coworker trimming his beard on his desk or having a boss leave his garbage on the floor by the garbage can instead of in it. He’s being very disrespectful to you when he does this. There’s no reason a grown adult male can’t clean up his own mess. Of course if your husband is going through a season of working long hours or working overtime for something and he basically has time for work and sleep, then you can clean up whatever mess he makes. The reality is though, most men work reasonable hours and have enough time to spend a few minutes everyday cleaning up their own mess.
If your husband refuses to correct this after asking him then stop doing these things for him. Let the messes accumulate, stop washing his laundry that’s strewn across the room instead of put into the hamper. If company comes over and notices the mess, tell the truth as Abigail did about Nabal. He should be helping with more than just his own messes. If he’s getting home from work with enough time to have several hours before bed, there’s no reason he can’t help with the kids homework or bath/bedtime routines. He can unload the dishwasher after dinner or help the kids clean up their toys. I don’t know how we go to the place of mom working every waking moment of her day while dad clocks 40 hours a week and does absolutely nothing else the rest of his time.
Did you know that the Bible acknowledges men washing dishes? Go read 2 Kings 21:13 in the KJV.
Get a gameplan together. Make a simple chore chart for yourself and another for your husband and kids. Go through your entire house and get rid of unnecessary things. Have the goal of being able to keep the home relatively clean with as little effort as possible. Stop trying to make your home look like no-one lives there and stop worrying if others will think you’re a horrible wife because your house isn’t spotless. When we stand before God, He is not going to ask how well we kept up with laundry, I promise you.
