The Demon of Narcissism
The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. John 10:10
Some of you are married to men who are being used by the enemy to steal your peace, kill your faith and destroy you and your family. You are praying for God to change him, doing everything you can to try to strengthen the marriage and asking God to give you a heart that truly loves this man. Your prayers sound something like “God please replace the anger and resentment that I have with peace and joy”. You try to submit “better”. You beat yourself up every-time you fail. You’ve taken the responsibility for everything so everything is your fault. When the kids get older and start a path that leads away from God you blame yourself. You didn’t teach them enough about Jesus. When your husband explodes because you forgot to get him something at the store, you tell yourself that you need to have better organization. If you were more organized you would have seen the item was almost gone- this could have been prevented if you thought more about what he wants or needs.
I’m going to describe a scene for you and I want you to take a moment and picture it. There’s a woman who is building a house. Behind her is a man who is taking a sledge hammer to the foundation. This is the equivalent of what you’re doing when you are trying have a family that glorifies God with a narcissist.
Proverbs 14:1 The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.
You are not the one at fault for pulling your house down when you are married to a narcissist. You cannot build when someone else is actively tearing down what you’re trying to build. Many of you believe that you are married to men who have been saved but I can tell you with 100% certainty, if your husband is a narcissist he has no interest in God. He may want to try to use Him for what he can get from Him, but he has no desire to submit and live in obedience to anyone.
Narcissists aren’t just selfish, they’re incapable of thinking about anyone else. They have built a false reality where they are supreme. They are better than everyone else in the entire world. Even if they have no accomplishments or don’t excel in any areas, they live in their own world where they are superior. To the narcissist you aren’t a partner who is deserving of love and respect- you are someone inferior to them who is there for their use and convenience. They believe that you’re stupid because they can manipulate you. It’s a severly abusive dynamic. They don’t see that you are caring and want to have a good marriage so you will let things go or take a genuine look at yourself- you are an object that is there for their use.
You must understand this when you are dealing with a narcissist. They will not change. There’s nothing you can do to change them. You don’t just need to find the right way to explain things or find the right therapist. Many therapists today who are knowledgeable about narcissism will refuse to do couple’s counseling with the narcissist. They’ve recently done a study that shows narcissim has no cure. If the narcissistic person wants to spend thousands of dollars and years in therapy, they can learn to manage some of their toxic behavior but there is no cure- they will always be a narcissist. It’s a personality disorder, its deeply engrained into them.
But God can change anyone!
Yes He can, but He doesn’ tell you to wait around and allow yourself and your children to be destroyed to see if He is going to change him. He tells you the opposite:
1 Corinthians 7:15-16 But if an unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?
Many take these verses to mean that the unequally yoked marriage can only be dissolved if the unbelieving spouse leaves. Is that what these verses are saying? Paul says that you are not under bondage “in such cases”. There is more than one instance where the marriage can be dissolved, the unbeliever leaving is just one.
God has called us to peace. You cannot have peace in your home when you are married to a man who hates God, or tries to use the Bible to abuse you. Narcissits will either hate God and mock you for your belief or they will pretend to be a christian for their own gain. They may want others to see them as a good man, they may feel a sense of superiority for being “righteous”. Whatever the reason he’s playing Christian, you will know him by his fruit.
If your husband claims to be a Christian, does he show the fruit of being saved? Does he only “act” Christian in front of other Christians? Does he approach the Bible as a way to grow in obedience and righteousness, or does he approach it as a way to look down on others or control you and the children? Does he only seem to care about helping people when he knows that others will notice? Does he often praise himself in front of other Christians about things that he does, or even lie to gain others admiration?
In 1 Corinthians 7, there are a few words that matter a great deal but many people seem to pass right over them. When Paul is talking about staying in an unequally yoked marriage if the spouse wants to stay, he begins this section by saying “But to the rest, I, not the Lord, say:” Paul does this in several places in his writing- he distinguishes between his opinion and what God has said. Paul is saying here that it is him telling people to stay in unequally yoked marriages. If we go a few verses back (1 Corinthians 7:10-11) we see that the Lord is the one who commands that a wife may leave her husband and remain unmarried or reconcile. Now if the spouse were to go with another woman or refuse reconciliation then the wife is not bound under such cases. Abandonment of the marriage or adultery is grounds for divorce.
If you are married to a man who is a narcissist, you do not have to stay with him.
So how can you tell if your husband is this level of toxic? I want to make sure that I don’t encourage any of you to seperate or divorce because your husband is a sinner like the rest of us and needs to work on things. Just because he may have one or a few of these traits, that doesn’t mean he’s a narcissist. The true narcissist will have most if not all of these traits. There will be a habitual pattern of this behavior across the board, not just a mistake made where repentence and change occurs.
The Overt Narcissist is often described as being grandiose. He is openly arrogant and boasts about his achievements, talents, intelligence or status. He openly seeks admiration and dominates conversations. He has a strong need to be seen as impressive by others. He is entitled and believes that he deserves special treatment wherever he goes. He is controlling and often takes charge of situations even when there is someone else leading or no one asked him to take a leadership role. He will use intimidation, threats or anger to get his way. You will see explosive anger when he is challenged. He openly criticizes people and blames others directly. In his mind, you are the problem, he is perfect. He will refuse to apologize unless it benefits him in some way. You walk on eggshells with this type of narcissist. Fear is a daily emotion that never goes away. He is very competitive, to the point of being irate when he loses and can be described as a “poor sport”. He lives for public recognition and is not humble at all to show off his success or possessions. He expects praise for big or even small things and regularly dismisses other’s emotions. He seeks power and status, has obvious jealousy of others achievements or possessions and may openly insult or demean other people. He breaks rules because he thinks they don’t apply to him and demands loyalty. This man is often described as selfish because he doesn’t try to hide the fact that he is.
The Covert Narcissist is a lot harder to spot. Many women spend years or even decades with these men without knowing who they really are. The covert narcissist is just as entitled and arrogant as the overt but he hides it behind false humility and perpetual victimhood. He may appear humble but carries hidden superiority. He quietly believes he is uniquely misunderstood or unappreciated. He seeks sympathy, reassurance, or validation. The wife of this type of narcissist will develop a strong sense of “protecting” him from being hurt. He’s played the victim very well and she may even have pity for him. He will turn conversations back to his struggles or feelings, blaming his childhood or his parents for his shortcomings. He believes that he wouldn’t have such a “hard life” if the world had treated him better. No matter what you do with this type of man he will never have a thankful heart or be happy. He wants to be seen as a good person or selfless but when you step back and look at his actions, there really is no good. There will be hidden entitlement that comes out in a very peculiar way- he may swing from “After all I do for you” to “I’m a failure and don’t deserve love”. If you challenge him on anything you will be met with anger, sulking, stonewalling or the silent treatment. He will use subtle insults, implications or “concerns” that hurt you deeply yet when you bring this up he will never admit the damage, he will justify or excuse the behavior and turn the conversation to how he’s the victim and needs your help or pity. He will play the wounded bird when he says I can’t believe you think I would do that!” and somehow, if you don’t know what’s going on, the talk will end with you feeling bad for questioning him. He draws attention to his “sacrifices” or “hardships” and expects appreciation and sympathy. There is hidden envy, bitterness and feelings of being overlooked that may not come out directly but he can’t help but to show these feelings with words or actions. He believes that you should make exceptions for his poor behavior because of his “struggles” or how “hard” his life has been. This type of narcissist is the most sinister because he can appear caring while being completely self absorbed and genuinely not care about anyone but himself.
If you’ve read these short descriptions and are realizing that it sounds like I’ve just described your husband then I would encourage you to seek more information about this type of narcissist. Go to a therapist who will guide you scripturally and start to heal from the damage that’s been done. Seperation or divorce from a narcissist is the only option. He will try to manipulate you into coming back, don’t let him. The only way that he will change is if God takes ahold of him and you will know if that happens (not by words because you can’t believe his words) but by actions. Your husband will become a new creature as the Bible says. If God saves a narcissist there will be undeniable proof that you as his wife will understand.
Protect yourself and your kids from this type of man. He will only cause destruction and pain. You cannot build with this type of man, it’s not possible. God doesn’t command you anywhere to martyr yourself and your children in a marriage where constant harm is happening. God calls us to peace in marriage.
