Entitlement: Building on Sand
Jesus tells the parable of the foolish man trying to build his home on sand in Matthew 7:24-27. An entitled man is trying to build on sand and the house will not stand. Entitlement seems to be a problem in many marriages today- Christian or not.
Entitlement is something that hides. You may not see that your husband has an attitude of entitlement until someone points it out and then you will wonder how you never noticed it before. It’s right there, plain as day, but it often remains hidden from many women for many years. An entitled man believes that he deserves privileges, service, forgiveness or control without the corresponding responsibilities, humility, or love that God commands husband to have. Here are some examples of entitlement grouped by category:
Spiritual:
Expects his wife to submit while ignoring his own obedience to God in showing her love
Believes being the “head” means getting his way- has no care for how his decisions negatively affect his wife or children
Uses Scripture to control rather than serve
Expects grace for his sins but is harsh with the sins of his wife and children
Refuses correction or accountability
Assumes that God is on his side simply because he is the husband and the “boss”
Believes that his wife should endure his ongoing sin without any consequences for him
Neglects his spiritual leadership while demanding respect
Emotional:
Expects constant emotional support but offers little to none in return
Believes his feelings should always take priority
Expects his wife to manage his emotions (It’s her fault if he’s angry or sad)
Feels entitled to his wife’s attention whenever he wants it
Resents her having friends, hobbies or interests
Expects forgiveness without real repentance
Believes that apologies alone should erase years of harmful behavior
Believes that his wife should “just get over it” when he does something harmful to her
Sexual:
Treats intimacy as something that is owed to him
Pouts, pressures, or manipulates his wife into having sex when she doesn’t want to
Believes that his desires and needs matter more than her comfort or emotional safety
Expects her to ignore emotional wounds for his satisfaction
Uses guilt, anger, or the silent treatment after rejection
Believes that marriage gives him the right to have unlimited access to her body
Seeks his own pleasure with little or no concern for hers
Uses pornography or is unfaithful while expecting faithfulness from his wife
Believes that he has the right to be unfaithful in thought or deed if his wife isn’t meeting his sexual needs
Financial:
Expects her to contribute financially while refusing to be financially responsible
Controls money to maintain power
Makes large or wasteful purchases without discussion or regret
Expects her to justify every expense while he feels that he shouldn’t have to justify any expense himself
Believes that his hobbies deserve funding before family needs
Assumes that his wife should handle financial stress while he avoids it
Feels entitled to her savings or income- believes that her money should go towards the home-makes her feel bad for purchasing items that he deems unnecessary
Household:
Assumes housework is automatically her sole responsibility even if she also works outside or the home or he is not working
Expects meals to be prepared regardless of his contribution/demands to have what he wants for every meal regardless of what the other members of the family may like
Leaves messes for his wife to clean up because “that’s her job”
Believes that his free time is more valuable than hers- he has the right to “relax” whenever he wants to while his wife never gets that same right
Expects praise for doing basic household tasks that his wife quietly does all the time
Criticizes her while contributing little- gets upset when something isn’t done yet makes no effort to help carry the load
Parenting:
Expects her to do the daily work of parenting
Wants authority without involvement
Plays the “fun parent” or is absent while she handles all discipline
Undermines her in front of the children
Expects gratitude for minimal participation
Assumes childcare, and everything that goes with it, is “women’s work”
Relational:
Expects trust after repeated dishonesty
Believes promises should be accepted without evidence of change- even after repeated patterns of words never matching up with actions
Thinks she should stay because of the marriage covenant while disregarding his responsibilities towards that covenant
Expects immediate reconciliation after minimal effort
Believes that her boundaries are unfair or disrespectful
Feels entitled to constant access to her time and attention even to the point of being jealous of her time and attention being spent on others (even her own children)
Assumes that she owes him explanations while refusing to answer difficult questions himself
Communication:
Interrupts because he believes that his opinion matters more
Expects to be heard but refuses to listen
Believes he shouldn’t have to explain his actions
Dismisses her concerns as overreactions
Changes the subject when confronted
Expects her to accept his version of events
Refuses meaningful conversations because they’re too much work or make him uncomfortable
Time:
Assumes that his schedule always comes first
Expects her to drop what she’s doing for him
Believes that his hobbies deserve protection while hers are optional
Spends excessive time on entertainment or hobbies while expecting the home to run smoothly
Expects uninterrupted rest and relaxation while she continues working (He does what he wants when he wants to but his wife can’t even take a shower without interruption)
Character:
Believes rules apply to everyone else
Rarely says “thank you” or shows appreciation for anything
Believes respect should be automatic while giving no respect in return
Expects loyalty without earning trust
Thinks being a husband alone qualifies him for honor
Becomes angry when his expectations or needs aren’t met
Feels wronged whenever someone tries to hold him accountable
At it’s core, entitlement says I deserve more than I owe- My needs matter more.
Many women try to live with an entitled man and just take on all responsibility themselves. This isn’t something that can be done indefinitely. You will burn out. You will allow bitterness and anger to grow. I believe that this is why so many women file for divorce after 20+ years of marriage. They shoulder the burden of all responsibility until the kids are grown and then realize how abusive it was for their husband to make her paddle in the ocean carrying the entire family above water while he floated by in a raft.
